B'haalotecha 5783 ~ June 9, 2023

Is there a right way to say no to an offer? And is there a right way to be polite in making an offer, one that will give honor to an individual, knowing perhaps that he or she may refuse? In this week’s Torah portion, Beha’alotecha, we are given the opportunity to learn from two of the best role models on how to be a mensch both on the giving and the receiving end, as a parent and as a child.

As the Children of Israel are about to begin their trek through the desert to the Promised Land, we find Moses offering his father-in-law, Hobab (aka Yitro), the opportunity to join with him on the journey to the Promised Land.  Basically, he says come join us and “we will be generous with you. And when you come into the Promised Land, you will be rewarded with the same that each one of us who makes the trek will receive.”

Hobab is quite a wise individual, and responds, “Thank you, but I think I will make my way back to where I am from, where I feel comfortable, and which is my home.” In other words, “I am comfortable where I am, I have made my life here, and I am at the point of my life where I know my surroundings, I know the people, and I just enjoy being there.”  Perhaps Hobab was uncertain as to whether this was Moses being polite, saying, “Why don’t you come with us,” because it was a time to say goodbye out of sentimentality, or whether it was a sincere request. Perhaps he was trying to figure out who is the “we” in “we will be generous to you.” Was it his daughter Tzipporah and Moses? Was it the elders of the Children of Israel? Or might it be that he was simply finding out the lay of the land as to whether the offer was sincere.

As we know, often when people make an offer such as the one Moshe made, there is more to the request. In this instance, that was part of the scenario. Moshe recognizes that the desert is unforgiving and unknown. He is not sure about the terrain or the people and nations they will meet on their way.  There is one thing he does know – his father-in-law lived his life in the desert. He was well respected as a priest, a religious leader. As they travel, perhaps Yitro can be their guide and provide them with knowledge as he states “where we should set up camp.” One who has not lived in the extreme wilderness would perish without a guide. And Moshe is aware of that reality. It would be no different than climbing up Mt. Everest without a sherpa.  Or perhaps kayaking across the Long Island Sound for the first time without the knowledge of currents, buoys, and the rules related to who has the right of way: a ferry, a motorboat or a kayak.

How wonderful might it be if an adult child turned to one of us and said, “Would you like to join us on a trip to Europe or Israel?” But how different is that request than one where that child offers you the opportunity to move into their home, be it a room or an in-law suite that they will build for you! Or, what if they suggest that you come move closer to them to an apartment, an independent living or even an assisted living facility?  “Would you like to come visit us?” might be the question of “Could you watch our kids while we go on a vacation to the Caribbean?” or “We all really want to spend time with you.”

There have been times when such living arrangements are best for the parent, and some that are best for the child. I am certain that some of us have heard such requests from our children. And, similar to Hobab, we have to ascertain what truly would be best for everyone.

In the end, the Torah does not provide us with Hobab’s answer. I used to be under the impression that he returned to his original territory since he felt comfortable there. He simply saw the request as nothing more than a politeness. And at his age, he might have wondered about whether his health would permit him to make it to the end of the journey. Perhaps he might be saying - by not saying anything - “I have lived my life. Now go do your thing.”

Ever wonder what it might have been like for the first parent who had to make that wise statement? Or, for that matter, any parent who might make that choice for their child. “So you want to live in Israel, what a wonderful opportunity that awaits you there, to live amongst Jews in a place where God can be found, as in no other place in the world. You have my blessings.” Or perhaps, “You are right, it would be best if I come move closer so that you can watch over my care.”

In studying this week, I came to learn that if one follows the genealogy to later chapters, amongst those who lived in the Promised Land were the descendants of Yitro. In this instance, Yitro understood what was best for him and what was best for his daughter’s family. I trust, if and when we might have to make a similar decision, we might learn from not only Moshe’s way in asking, but also in how Yitro arrived at his decision. Or, if we have already made such a decision, that it has proven to be the right one.

Shabbat shalom,

Rabbi K