Nitzavim 5786

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’m always looking for items that I can include in High Holiday messages. A sign on the Madison Avenue Baptist Church in New York City stopped me in my tracks years ago. So, I snapped a picture of the sign, and its message has since lived in my High Holiday folder as a powerful prompt for introspection. It reads, “THE MOST INFLUENTIAL PERSON IN YOUR LIFE IS THE ONE YOU REFUSE TO FORGIVE.”

This statement forces us to confront a difficult question: Is there a situation that happened in our lives that was so deeply painful that forgiveness seems impossible? And whom is the person we need to forgive – a family member, a coworker, a friend, or even someone from our past who is no longer a part of our lives?

In such an instance, we immortalize the pain because we are affected by our refusal to forgive ourselves. As a result, the situation is one that we live over and over again in our minds.

Let’s be honest with ourselves. Often, the most influential person in our lives isn't someone else at all.  Perhaps it might even be our own selves whom we choose not to accept forgiveness from. We all make mistakes, and sometimes, the hardest person to forgive is the one we see in the mirror. We get stuck replaying past failures, and our refusal to forgive ourselves and others becomes a painful wound with a constant loop in our minds. This self-inflicted pain can be quite influential, hampering our ability to move forward.

The wisdom of Maimonides in his Mishne Torah offers a powerful framework of thought to consider, especially during the season of repentance. Maimonides reminds us:

Teshuvah and Yom Kippur only atone for sins between man and God; for example, a person who ate a forbidden food or engaged in forbidden sexual relations, and the like. However, sins between man and man; for example, someone who injures a colleague, curses a colleague, steals from him, or the like will never be forgiven until he gives his colleague what he owes him and appeases him. [It must be emphasized that] even if a person restores the money that he owes [the person he wronged], he must appease him and ask him to forgive him.

This passage highlights the immense responsibility we have to seek forgiveness from others. But what happens when we do our part, and the other person refuses to forgive us? Maimonides, in a surprising turn, addresses this very situation:

Even if a person only upset a colleague by saying [certain] things, he must appease him and approach him [repeatedly] until he forgives him. If his colleague does not desire to forgive him, he should bring a group of three of his friends and approach him with them and request [forgiveness]. If [the wronged party] is not appeased, he should repeat the process a second and third time. If he [still]does not want [to forgive him], he may let him alone and need not pursue [the matter further]. On the contrary, the person who refuses to grant forgiveness is the one considered as the sinner.

This is a profound teaching. It suggests our obligation is to do the work of sincere repentance. While the act of forgiveness itself lies in the hands of the wronged party, Maimonides implies a moral duty to forgive. The one who refuses to grant forgiveness after a genuine and repeated plea is the one who becomes the sinner. What I find even more interesting is the fact that Maimonides requires the one who originally committed the wrong to bring what might be considered a beit din—a court of three individuals—when the request for forgiveness is denied.

But what if, as the church sign suggests, the most influential person is the one who keeps reliving the incident in their mind, rather than the one who caused the pain in the first place?

This scenario is like one you'd find in an advice column, like "Dear Abby" or "The Ethicist" from The New York Times. Recently, I've been reading about how some individuals find spiritual solace and moments of teshuvah through conversations with AI chatbots. Following a private conversation with New York Times columnist Tony A.O. Schwartz about it at our recent Weiner Tom speaker series, I decided to see how AI might respond as a modern-day Jewish advice columnist. I provided it with the teachings of Maimonides above and presented it with a common scenario:

A reader named "Sarah" writes that she had a falling out with her best friend, Sophie, over a painful betrayal. Sarah, deeply hurt, cut off all contact. Years have passed, but the wound never healed. Every time she sees a photo of Sophie or hears her name, a jolt of anger and sadness courses through her.

Here was the AI response:

Dear Sarah,

The situation you describe is painfully common, and I want you to know you're not alone. It's clear that Sophie’s actions left a deep wound, and your anger is a valid response to that pain. However, it seems your refusal to forgive her is no longer protecting you; it's holding you captive.

You've given Sophie an unseen power over you. She has the ability to change your mood instantly and affect your new friendships, all without even being in the room. This isn't about Sophie’s happiness; it's about yours. Forgiveness isn't about condoning what she did. It's about taking back your power and freeing yourself from the bitterness that has been weighing you down for years.

As Maimonides wisely taught, carrying a grudge can be a greater burden on the one holding it than on the one who caused the hurt. This season of introspection is an excellent time to consider what peace might look like for you. It might be as simple as acknowledging the hurt, accepting that you can't change the past, and choosing to no longer let it define your present.

You don't need to forget what happened or even reconcile with Sophie. You just need to choose to let go of the anger. You've been standing at the threshold of this pain for years. It's time to step across.

Our modern-day AI Maimonides advice column prompts us to give much thought as we approach the celebration of Rosh Hashanah and observe Yom Kippur.

Our Torah reading for this Shabbat begins with the words, “Behold you are standing today before God…as you enter the covenant.” It presents us with a choice.

This is the moment to look inside your soul. Who is holding you back? Is it an external grudge or an internal one? The act of forgiveness is not about excusing the other person's actions; it is about freeing yourself from the weight of resentment. It is about reclaiming your peace and your future. The choice is yours to make. You can either stay chained to the past, or you can take that courageous step forward into a new year, unburdened and at peace.

Let me take this moment on behalf of the executive, the board of directors, our office staff, Lisa and myself to wish you a Shana Tova u’metukah, a sweet New Year, a year filled with joy, happiness, health, accomplishment and fulfillment in and of life.  And in moments of challenge, we hope that Hashem, God, provides you with strength and courage, with the love of family and friends who will be there with you.

We all look forward to your joining us during the High Holidays. And if you are traveling to be with family and friends, we wish you much sweetness as you share the holiday with them.

Am Yisrael Chai!!!

Bring them home now!!!!

Shabbat Shalom,

Shana tov u’metakah

Rabbi K